How To Be A Complete Douchebag in Ten Easy Steps (or how not to be a gentleman)

1) Be Selfish.

2) Treat women like objects.

3) Refuse to smile but laugh way too loud at lewd jokes.

4) Be Selfish.

5) Make sure the hair is always high, the collar always popped, the bling is always plentiful, and the tan always fake.

6) Be uncomfortable with every emotion other than anger and then use it to cover up your insecurities.

7) Be Selfish.

8) Perceive every other male in the room at a threat, and then get in their face.

9) Be extremely homophobic, but spend more time with your boys pumping iron and admiring your male bodies than is natural for any heterosexual male.

10) Be selfish, constantly.

Oh, and bonus: Be selfish.

-J. Eliot

feel free to comment with your own

How to determine if she has a boyfriend.

While perusing the referrer list from Google.com today I noticed that a number of people were somehow directed to my blog with the search "determining if girl has boyfriend."

My first thought was, "How odd..." Soon followed by, "Actually, that's a good question." And after a little mental juggling and an "ah-ha" moment (not the band...) I decided I simply must post.

It seems to me that there is a simple 2 step checklist, or maybe even a flow chart, if you will, that will guide you to your goal in determining the singular (or dual???) nature of a potential prospect.

Step 1: Determine if she is attractive. Yes, this is an actual step and I'll tell you why. Attractive girls, and I mean truly attractive girls - the ones that catch every guy's eye as they walk into the room - are never, let me repeat, never actually single - ever. So is she really really smoking hot? Yes? Then yes, she is taken. She might not say she is, and could swear up and down that she's not seeing anyone, but that simply isn't true. All this means is, "Well, I know I shouldn't be with (Insert douchebag name here) anymore but I get lonely sometimes..." And you can fill in the rest.

Basically these types of women are either, in Facebook terms, "In a Relationship" or "It's complicated." This isn't necessarily a bad thing because "It's complicated" means there's an opening... there's room for improvement. And if you can stick your foot in the door at just the right time you might get in.

Oh, and don't worry about trying to determine which stage she's in. If she's having relationship issues, you'll know. Girls like this love to talk about why Mr. Douchebag made them unhappy this time and you should be able to pick up on that.

Ok, so what if she's not the really really hot type? What if she's just a regular, yet still attractive girl? Move to Step Two.

Step 2: Determine if she's a good girl or a bad girl. This isn't too difficult either. Either she's overtly sexualizing every attractive (or maybe unattractive) guy around her or she's not. The real trick lies in determining if she's a secret bad girl.

So lets take a step back. You're a gentleman right? That's why you're visiting my blog, I assume. You're not interested in the bad girl. Believe me, that will only end terribly - either by you cheating yourself by loosening your morals, or by forcing a long term relationship where one doesn't belong. So the real question is: Is she a good girl or a bad girl pretending to be a good girl? This we will come back to.

For now, we will assume she's a good girl. In this case she's probably a very nice person and you will want to start up a conversation, which shouldn't be that hard. (If she doesn't meet these basic criteria, back away anway... who wants someone hard to talk to, or unkind anyway?) Within the conversation there are several ways to breach the subject of relationships. Tell a story (not too revealing) about a past ex and see if they reveal anything. Get to know a friend and maybe they'll let you in on the girls status (and if they offer the info for you then you know there is some interest already). Or just come right out and ask.

There's no fowl in just asking (after breaching the conversation barrier and establishing that she feels comfortable), and strangely enough most girls don't put two and two together that the reason you're asking is because you're interested. They begin to suspect it, but will rarely believe it outright. Unless they're afraid of you and then they'll readily jump to this conclusion. But if they like you at all there will be part of them that holds onto doubts in order to keep their hopes from getting too high.

But what about the bad girls that pretend to be good girls? Well that, my friend, is a whole other topic. This might actually be a good thing as long as they're not too bad. A little crazy is fun (and part of the female mystique), but too much crazy is no good.

Maybe we'll touch on this more in the future. Until then, start up some conversations and keep your morals sharp. And as always, questions and comments are welcome.

-J. Eliot

maybe I'm crazy

A small mistake

I recently made a remark to my wonderful girlfriend that reminded her of the other girls in my life before her... and reminded me that I still have a long way to go.

Your lady needs only to know that regardless of the past, she is the only woman in your world that matters, and I broke that rule.

It was a small mistake, but I hope that she realizes the place she holds in my heart and that she alone moves me.

-J. Eliot

still learning

The "Last Gentleman in the World"

Sorry for my recent absence. Life gets busy, work requires travel, and I don't have the time I usually do to think and post, but with travel comes new experiences and new stories.

So I was on a bus the other day taking me from the airport to the car rental building. It was a cold day and people were cramming into the bus, taking whatever standing room there was left to get where they were going and get out of the cold.

There was an older Gentleman sitting near where I was standing and a number of other people, mostly woman, holding the hand rails and waiting for the bus to depart.

The thought occurred to me that none of the men had offered to stand and let any of the women sit down, and there were a number of older women on the bus who looked as if they could have used a seat rather than having to support themselves with a handrail on a moving vehicle.

Just then the old man stood up and offered another older woman his seat. She graciously accepted. Another woman who was standing beside her remarked to the man that he must be the "last Gentleman in the World."

Why is this so rare? Was it the woman's liberation movement? Are men no longer taught to care about others? Is it a population thing? Are we becoming more and more numb to the number of unknown people who cross our paths daily?

Its the little things that make someone stand out and kindness should never go out of style.

-J. Eliot

traveler

Beauty and The Beast Syndrome (Or why she likes you even if you're not as hot as she is)

In my previous Dating on Your Level article I mentioned that when it comes to physical attractiveness men can get away with dating slightly uphill.

What does this mean? Well, it's a very fortunately thing indeed, Gentlemen. This means that if you're an 8 physically, you might very well be able to have a solid relationship with a 9 or even a 10, but this depends on a few details.

First, are you secure enough with yourself emotionally to handle the fact that there definitely are hotter guys out there who will be hitting on your (current or future) Lady? Can you handle this?

Second, you must have some sort of other redeeming traits. Let me explain.

Lesson 101 on the psychology of women: Unless the guy is a 10, when a woman first meets a guy he's automatically a 5 or a 1. It doesn't matter if you're a solid 9, you'll be dropped to a 5 by default. If you're a 2 or 3 it's even worse... chances are in her eyes you're a 1. Here's the good news though. According to the bell curve most of us will automatically be seen as a five simply due to statistical probability.

So lets assume you're on your path to becoming a polished Gentleman. You work out, eat well, dress nice. You've raised yourself to an 8 and you're proud of it. So, in your confidence, you walk up to a very attractive woman and say hello. She gives you a the cordial smile, but you can see it in her eyes. The number five is reflecting right back at you. So you feel a little discouraged.

Why is this, you ask? Simply put, she doesn't know you yet. She's an attractive woman. She's guarded and will automatically not give you the benefit of the doubt. In her mind you might be an alright looking guy, but you're probably just trying to get her into bed.

Here's you're chance to shine. Remember, you must have some sort of redeeming traits, and you do. You've been working on your social skills, your sense of humor, your ability to dance... maybe all three. So you take your time and have a conversation. You allow her to realize that you're not a wolf on the prowl, but a respectable and interesting person. The more she gets to know YOU, honestly and authentically, the more she starts to notice that maybe you're not really a 5 at all... yes... you're definitely an 8.

You're doing better... but don't rush it... she might really like you right away because of some sort of connection you made while talking the first time and you're all of a sudden up to a 10 in her eyes... but chances are it could take a few days or weeks of being friends for her to really take a liking to you. And when she does you'll have changed your 5 into a 10.

A woman's opinion of how physically attractive a man is is highly highly dependent on how much she likes him. So give her a chance to get to know you.

-J. Eliot

numbers, numbers, numbers

Cuddling

What's wrong with men?

It recently came to my attention that my girlfriend REALLY REALLY appreciates the simple fact that while watching a moving or laying in bed I will cuddle her. Yes, cuddle.

So I asked why she was so appreciative. Yes, most girls like to cuddle and be close, but according to her she's never really had a boyfriend who will hold her close the way I do.

I just don't understand this. Sure, some guys don't really like cuddling. I guess they feel it just isn't manly. But come on, do you really care about her? Do you enjoy giving her what she wants and making her happy? It's such a simple thing to do and heck, it could always lead to more than cuddling because she feels loved and secure.

Here's a little article I found on how to cuddle. Now you have no excuses. =)

-J. Eliot

dammit, treat your woman good

Dating on your level

Everyone wants a ten, right? Every guy is looking to attract the eye of the hottest girl in the room.

You know how it is. All of us take a look around and find that girl who's just a step below super-model and at some point in the night we make our move. There are all sorts of pick-up styles, and no doubt you have yours, but did you ever happen to consider how many times THAT girl gets hit on in a night? Maybe you have, but you live by the "better to try and fail than never know" policy. And you could be right... there's always a chance, right? You might end up with that super-hottie!

Here's the thing though - if you're looking for a long term relationship it's probably best not to hit on that cute ten minding her business in the corner.

Why, you scream. A long term relationship with a super hot girl sounds great!

Yes, it does, but only if you are at or near her level. Let me explain.

First you must determine your own "level" in several areas - intellectually, emotionally, and physically are a good start. Let's use a 10 point scale while we're at it.

So we've got Jimmy Hottiewanter here. Jimmy is a regular guy. He played football in high school but is slightly out of shape since then. He's been through a few major life issues and can take care of himself, he also holds down a regular job. Let's say he's straight 6's. 6I, 6E, and 6P.

Jimmy meets Lea Dumbblonder at a bar. She's clearly a 2I, 6E, 9P. Chances are they're not good for much more than a one night hook-up. Jimmy is clearly smarter and will probably look down on her for her nearly retarded comments and she's so much more attractive than Jimmy that he will forever feel intimidated by better looking guys.

This leads to a major imbalance in the relationship where he's never quite secure and starts acting it out subconsciously, probably by making fun of her intelligence. This relationship is highly unlikely to work out.

If you really look around at solid happily married couples, they are usually at or about the same level. This is for good reason too. In order to have balance in the relationship both parties need to be equally attracted to each other, have a balanced emotional relationship, and generally be able to stimulate (or not stimulate) each other mentally.

So be honest with yourself and don't give yourself a 9 if you know deep down you're a 7.

So who should Jimmy Hottiewanter be looking for? It's best not to stray too far physically. Jimmie is a 6, so he could probably be okay with a 6 to a 7 (and yes, a female 7P isn't too far for a male 6P because of something I call the "Beauty and the Best Syndrome." More on that later.)

Emotionally, relationships seem to work best when the male is equal to or above the female. So Jimmy, being a 6E, should look for a girl around a 5E to 6E.

Intelligence is a little different and really depends on the individuals. If there's a solid connection between physical and emotional compatibilities, intelligence can be further apart and the relationship should still be ok. So Jimmy could date any mid-range intelligence girl, probably 4-7. Again, because of the male/female dynamic though, Jimmy being the average guy will still probably be more comfortable with a girl equal to or lesser intellectually.

So give you (and your significant other/potential significant other) some scores and see where you fall. Do you have issues because of this imbalance?

The next time you're out meeting girls, maybe you should be honest with yourself and pay more attention to the ones you normally pass over but are actually on your level physically. Chances are you have better luck and might meet someone worth keeping around.

-J. Eliot

you might be surprised...

It was like watching the Animal Channel...

I gave into the dark side.

I normally try to get out of the office for a quick, cheap, and relatively healthy lunch, but today I just didn't have the internal fortitude to eat my usual 6" turkey sub and diet coke. I found myself turning into the parking lot of a burger chain that I will not name, though you should know it from it's creepy plastic faced, crown wearing mascot.

I happened into the restaurant right at the peek of lunch. I noticed, as the line wound back to the ends of the short wooden barricades, that there was an overabundance of middle-aged males. A variety of men (scruffy blue-collar types, polo wearing desk-jockeys - all at least slightly overweight and homely) waited almost silently in line to order or pick up their food with the one exception of a 20-something brunette in jeans and a tank top.

She wasn't a particularly attractive girl but she was tall and the correct weight, and stood in stark contrast to the unattractive testosterone crowd. And testosterone is right.

As I waited, I noticed how one after the other almost every man in the room would take an extended glance up and down this poor lonely girl's body. At first it was just the graying, long-haired, mustache wearing trucker a few people ahead of her. And then it was the guy at the register who looked like Dwight from the Office. The wait was long enough that pretty much every guy in the room checked out this girl at least once.

She seemed oblivious though. Was she uncomfortable? Did she really not notice? Did these men seriously not realize that they were all doing the same thing? Why was she there alone in the first place?

I felt as if I had walked into the middle of a college Sociology experiment. And then, as I thought about it, it felt more like watching the Animal Channel and a special about what happens when you introduce a female chimp into an all male environment.

I seriously have to wonder if no other man there took an objective view of the situation and decided not to act like every other chimp in the room. It's as if they hadn't seen a semi-attractive woman in weeks.

It is our place as Gentlemen to treat a Lady with respect. Maybe I missed the boat, but what good did it do any of these guys to eye her like she was some sort of object? None took the chance to talk to her, they just gawked and formed rude and selfish mental images in their minds.

It's just a little reminder, but the next time you're out try to take notice of your natural reactions to the women around you. Do you look like one of these chimps? Do you just blend into the crowd of other stupid, desperate, lonely men who'd probably be better off walking on their knuckles, or do you stand up straight with dignity and treat women with respect - even when it comes to the unspoken ways in which we interact?

-J. Eliot

women are people too...

The Qualities of a Gentleman - Part 2

Continued from The Qualities of a Gentleman - Part 1

6) Genuine - A real Gentleman cares, and he shows it. There is a fine line between helping a Lady with her coat because you're trying to manipulate her feelings and because you care. It is the distinction between taking and giving, self interest and selflessness.

A Gentleman acts with all the best intentions in mind, and speaks from the soul about things that really matter with authentic feelings. He's secure enough in himself that he needs no disguise or ruse.

7) Well Put-Together - Let's face it guys, most of us are not Brad Pitt. Women don't necessarily stop to gawk and drool when we walk in the room because of our deep blue eyes, amazing jawline, and perfect hair. Chances are that if your physical genetic makeup was the initial two cards at a game of Texas Hold-em, you'd have folded. You might have a king, but the other card's definitely a four.

So what's a Gentleman to do? Dress it up. Be aware of your body type and what clothes look good on you to other people. Just because you like the color doesn't mean it goes with your skin or hair tones. Get a flattering haircut from someone who knows what they're doing. Shave regularly or maintain good facial hair if you can grow it and wear it well.

Heck, test this out and walk into a store dressed in jeans and an old t-shirt and then go back later in something nice and see how they treat you differently. If you look important, people (and women) will treat you that way.

8) Healthy - I'm going to say it. This is a warning so that you won't read it and then click away. Here it comes...

Diet and Exercise.

Yes. You can't get away from these things. You don't have to look like a musclebound meat-head, but women like muscles and in order to see them you can't have too much fat on your body.

Making sure to eat well and exercise does more than just make you look better. You'll be more confident when you walk in a room. You'll feel better, have more energy, and there's something about forcing yourself do the things you know you should but don't always want to that builds character.

9) Talented and Skilled - Every Gentleman should have at least one solid talent and one major skill.

Whether it be music, dancing (yes, this can be very attractive to the Ladies), juggling, or underwater basket weaving having at least one thing, if not a number of things, that you've put enough time and energy into to achieve a certain above average ability in conveys deeper meaning about your character. It says that you're an interesting person, that you're a little different from a regular Joe, and that you're fun. Your significant other will probably grin to herself when you get to show off your talent because from her perspective she's really showing you off to the other women who can't have you.

Skills are important also. They show that you're a hard worker, that you've been doing something long enough to be employable and maybe even in high demand. That means you're worth something, and there's nothing unattractive about the potential to make a good income.

10) Aware - Be aware. Take notice of other people. Pay attention to social cues. Make mental lists when talking with others (especially women) of the topics they bring up. If someone initiates conversation about something it usually means its important to them.

When you're with a Lady and she talks about other people, remember their names, relations, and the significance in her life. Always treat her mother with respect, kindness, and a little charm, and become friends with her father. Write down key dates if you have to and make a point to notice and value for yourself the very things she does.

Bonus - Be Fun! - Nobody likes someone who's serious all the time. Cultivate your sense of humor. Include it in the list of talents you're working on. Take improv comedy classes, analyze comedians, and hang out with other funny people.

Get out and do fun things. You could hang at the bar with your bros, or you could mountain bike, ski, go dancing (did I already mention this?), just get out and have fun doing things you might not normally.

If everyone around you is boring it's because everyone who's fun is out doing fun things.

You can even use this to double up on some of your other goals. Fun things often include developing talents, exercise, and meeting interesting people (ahem, Ladies).

So get out there and have some fun. Life's for living, isn't it?

-J. Eliot

the ladies love a man who can dance...

Like, Love, and Lust

A solid, long lasting romantic relationship requires a balance of Like, Love, and Lust. Without all three you end up with something else altogether.

Let’s examine what we get with only certain aspects present:

Like – Love & Lust = Your Dog

You really really like your dog. He’s man’s best friend after all. He cheers you up when you’re down, he’s always excited when you come home, he guards the house, and he might even get you the morning paper. You could say you “love” your dog, but let’s be honest. It’s the type of love you reserve for animals, not people. And don’t even bring lust close to this one, weirdo.

Other possibilities: Your extended friend group, that funny guy at work who sends the naughty emails even though he’ll get fired for it one day, your really cool 10^th grade science teacher.

Love – Like & Lust = Your Crazy Uncle

You see Crazy Uncle Larry about once a year. You love the guy, he’s part of your family and if ever he was in actual trouble you’d be there to bail him out (of jail quite possibly.) But let’s face it. You don’t really like the guy much. He smells funny, he’s loud and pushy, he makes the biggest mess at Thanksgiving but never helps clean up. He’s pretty much the one douche-bag you have to love because he’s your uncle.

Others: Maybe your parents, siblings who never grew up and got past the childhood bickering.

Lust – Like & Love = Whores, Ho bags, Hoochies, Street Walkers, Hookers, Women of the Night, Porn Stars, etc.

No other explanation necessary.

Like & Love – Lust = Grandpa Richie Wealthypants

He’s a cool dude, a regular pimp in his day. He’s retired and wealthy and reminds you how stinking loaded he is through the expensive gifts he sends you every birthday. He’s your grandpa after all and it’s his job to spoil the grandkids. He has limitless library of “true life” stories that never cease to entertain you while shocking and embarrassing your parents. He’s the only one who can talk like a sailor at family gatherings and the old coot gets away with it because he’s the wealthy patriarch and everyone wants to stay on his good side. Grandpa freakin’ rules.

Others: Your parents, siblings, children.

Like & Lust – Love = Your Best Friends Girlfriend

Queue the song. She’s a fun girl. Your best friend seems pretty happy and you can understand why. She’s quite attractive and a blast to hang out with. In fact, you’re not even sure how a guy like him managed to attract a girl like that in the first place, let alone hang onto her. You wish she was with you, but its okay. You have to be happy for your friend, right? And he brings her around with him, so you get to hang out with her, so that’s a sort of second best, right? Son of a bitch.

Others: That hot science teacher from 12^th grade, your mutual break-up ex-girlfriend, the really hot intern in billing.

Love & Lust – Like = The Bad Relationship Girlfriend

You swear you love her. You don’t remember though if that feeling of love came before or after you had sex. Maybe it was after… no, you felt that way before the sex, right? Wait. It’s so hard to remember. Well, it doesn’t matter, right? You love her now and that’s all that matters. Why can’t she remember to pick up the jelly from the store. Stupid twat (any Dane Cook fans?.) And what the hell is with her obsession with that stupid band, and that stupid show with those annoying people, and all the nagging. She’s such a bitch.

Others: The ex-bad relationship girlfriend, no wait… you never really did love her.

Like & Love & Lust = The Healthy Relationship Girlfriend

Either you have the balance or you don’t. You like the way she treats you, the way she talks about you to her friends, the way she considers your feelings and balances her life with yours without being smothering. You love having her in your life, you’d do anything to make her smile, and in hard times you sacrifice your own wants to take care of her first. And wow are you attracted to her. Sure, she’s a real world human being, just like everyone else, but when you look at her the world melts away. To you she’s the most beautiful girl in the world and you can’t ever imagine it differently.

The three not only balance but increase each other. The more you like her, the more you’ll love her and the more attracted to her you’ll become. The more attracted the more you’ll like her, the more you love and act in her best interest the happier she’ll be and more fun to be with.

This is, of course, a perfect and idealistic example, and it definitely takes work on the part of both parties, but it isn’t beyond reach with someone you naturally click with – especially when they share the same balance of like, love, and lust toward you.

-J. Eliot

Stable vs. Constant

Today my girlfriend commented on a distinction I was previously unaware of - yes, I said it, previously unaware of.

It seems I'm still learning although it is obvious now. There is a keen difference between a woman's opinion of stability, and constancy, in a man.

At first they might seem like the same thing, or connected in a way. And to us men it is hard to view either with a negative connotation, but in the realm of the fairer kind one is a golden ticket while the other can be a deal breaker.

We tend to naturally seek regular patterns in the things we do in order to reduce the amount of decisions and mental work needed in a day. We also tend to shy away from extremes of emotion and therefor make decisions to act as if everything is okay even when it is not. These qualities lead to constancy.

Stability is different. Holding down a good job and taking care of your finances, working toward future goals, and maintaining good health (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual) are aspects of stability.

The stable gentleman when confronted with a tough decision is steady because he is emotionally aware and healthy, not because he is compensating for or downplaying strong emotions - and when it comes to positive emotions, the stable gentleman isn't afraid to let go of constancy in order to act with enthusiasm or excitement.

Constancy isn't always a bad thing, but when it gets in the way of a passionate embrace, or a spur of the moment romantic decision it can ice down a relationship quickly. This even has applications in other realms including business, but I'll let you draw those conclusions.

So in short, seek stability - this is the foundation of the strength she's looking for in her man - and learn to not be so rigid. You might be surprised where you end up.

-J. Eliot

easier said than done

Opening Doors

"Who does that?" Her puzzled expression stabbed through my heart.

"Does what?" I responded, sheepishly.

"Who opens the door anymore? What decade are you from?" She twisted the knife. Obviously the date was off to a great start.

"I do." I replied, somehow sucking confidence from the ether. "That's who I am - the kind of guy who opens doors."

She rolled her eyes as she sat down in the car. It was then that I realized some girls don't really want to be treated like a lady.

Upon approaching the car to enter a second time later that night I preemptively stated, "I'm going to open your door, and you're going to make fun of me."

To which she replied, "I already did. I don't have to again."

This was my first date as a newly single, post-married (I prefer that expression) man in eight and a half years. I couldn't quite wrap my mind around a woman not wanting to be treated well, but then it made sense.

Lesson 1-a
Women today are treated so poorly by men that they buy into the harsh reality we (men) invent around them.

They accept that there are no fairy tales, no Prince Charmings, and there never will be. Maybe this is true. I'm no Prince Charming, but I knew also that I was no chauvinist bastard and if she wasn't alright with me treating her well there must be something wrong with her, not me.

Needless to say there was no second date and it wasn't too long after that I met someone who was shocked and thankful for opening her door. This was a different kind of woman. I amended the previous lesson.

Lesson 1-b
Woman today might have all bought into the harsh reality we (men) invent around them, but some haven't stopped hoping for something better - and they will recognize it when they see it.

Gentlemen, we are in luck. Due to the overwhelming amount of douche-bags lowering the base expectations for men it is now easier than ever to catch the eye of the right kind of girl by simply being kind and thoughtful. There are most definitely women out there waiting for a door to open (literally and figuratively.)

So open doors for your female friends. Compliment them on their hair, or outfits - they spend that much time on them on purpose and hope the details will be noticed. Listen and validate their feelings because their feelings are the key to who they are.

I know what you're thinking. "Why would I do that... she's my female friend for a reason. She's just a friend and I want her to stay that way."

Don't be so short sighted. She's your friend. You treat her well and she will talk you up to her other friends. Women notice how well you treat the other women around them and you will garner interest from the new women you meet. You will also develop a habit that will show through all of your interactions with the fairer sex.

All of this will expand your potential for meeting the right girl and grabbing her eye.

So stand out from the crowd. If she's the kind of girl who doesn't like being treated like a lady, she probably won't treat you like much of a man either.

-J. Eliot