How to determine if she has a boyfriend.

While perusing the referrer list from Google.com today I noticed that a number of people were somehow directed to my blog with the search "determining if girl has boyfriend."

My first thought was, "How odd..." Soon followed by, "Actually, that's a good question." And after a little mental juggling and an "ah-ha" moment (not the band...) I decided I simply must post.

It seems to me that there is a simple 2 step checklist, or maybe even a flow chart, if you will, that will guide you to your goal in determining the singular (or dual???) nature of a potential prospect.

Step 1: Determine if she is attractive. Yes, this is an actual step and I'll tell you why. Attractive girls, and I mean truly attractive girls - the ones that catch every guy's eye as they walk into the room - are never, let me repeat, never actually single - ever. So is she really really smoking hot? Yes? Then yes, she is taken. She might not say she is, and could swear up and down that she's not seeing anyone, but that simply isn't true. All this means is, "Well, I know I shouldn't be with (Insert douchebag name here) anymore but I get lonely sometimes..." And you can fill in the rest.

Basically these types of women are either, in Facebook terms, "In a Relationship" or "It's complicated." This isn't necessarily a bad thing because "It's complicated" means there's an opening... there's room for improvement. And if you can stick your foot in the door at just the right time you might get in.

Oh, and don't worry about trying to determine which stage she's in. If she's having relationship issues, you'll know. Girls like this love to talk about why Mr. Douchebag made them unhappy this time and you should be able to pick up on that.

Ok, so what if she's not the really really hot type? What if she's just a regular, yet still attractive girl? Move to Step Two.

Step 2: Determine if she's a good girl or a bad girl. This isn't too difficult either. Either she's overtly sexualizing every attractive (or maybe unattractive) guy around her or she's not. The real trick lies in determining if she's a secret bad girl.

So lets take a step back. You're a gentleman right? That's why you're visiting my blog, I assume. You're not interested in the bad girl. Believe me, that will only end terribly - either by you cheating yourself by loosening your morals, or by forcing a long term relationship where one doesn't belong. So the real question is: Is she a good girl or a bad girl pretending to be a good girl? This we will come back to.

For now, we will assume she's a good girl. In this case she's probably a very nice person and you will want to start up a conversation, which shouldn't be that hard. (If she doesn't meet these basic criteria, back away anway... who wants someone hard to talk to, or unkind anyway?) Within the conversation there are several ways to breach the subject of relationships. Tell a story (not too revealing) about a past ex and see if they reveal anything. Get to know a friend and maybe they'll let you in on the girls status (and if they offer the info for you then you know there is some interest already). Or just come right out and ask.

There's no fowl in just asking (after breaching the conversation barrier and establishing that she feels comfortable), and strangely enough most girls don't put two and two together that the reason you're asking is because you're interested. They begin to suspect it, but will rarely believe it outright. Unless they're afraid of you and then they'll readily jump to this conclusion. But if they like you at all there will be part of them that holds onto doubts in order to keep their hopes from getting too high.

But what about the bad girls that pretend to be good girls? Well that, my friend, is a whole other topic. This might actually be a good thing as long as they're not too bad. A little crazy is fun (and part of the female mystique), but too much crazy is no good.

Maybe we'll touch on this more in the future. Until then, start up some conversations and keep your morals sharp. And as always, questions and comments are welcome.

-J. Eliot

maybe I'm crazy

How to get the Ladies

You just need a little practice and some natural ability.



Everyone woman loves a musician.

Beauty and The Beast Syndrome (Or why she likes you even if you're not as hot as she is)

In my previous Dating on Your Level article I mentioned that when it comes to physical attractiveness men can get away with dating slightly uphill.

What does this mean? Well, it's a very fortunately thing indeed, Gentlemen. This means that if you're an 8 physically, you might very well be able to have a solid relationship with a 9 or even a 10, but this depends on a few details.

First, are you secure enough with yourself emotionally to handle the fact that there definitely are hotter guys out there who will be hitting on your (current or future) Lady? Can you handle this?

Second, you must have some sort of other redeeming traits. Let me explain.

Lesson 101 on the psychology of women: Unless the guy is a 10, when a woman first meets a guy he's automatically a 5 or a 1. It doesn't matter if you're a solid 9, you'll be dropped to a 5 by default. If you're a 2 or 3 it's even worse... chances are in her eyes you're a 1. Here's the good news though. According to the bell curve most of us will automatically be seen as a five simply due to statistical probability.

So lets assume you're on your path to becoming a polished Gentleman. You work out, eat well, dress nice. You've raised yourself to an 8 and you're proud of it. So, in your confidence, you walk up to a very attractive woman and say hello. She gives you a the cordial smile, but you can see it in her eyes. The number five is reflecting right back at you. So you feel a little discouraged.

Why is this, you ask? Simply put, she doesn't know you yet. She's an attractive woman. She's guarded and will automatically not give you the benefit of the doubt. In her mind you might be an alright looking guy, but you're probably just trying to get her into bed.

Here's you're chance to shine. Remember, you must have some sort of redeeming traits, and you do. You've been working on your social skills, your sense of humor, your ability to dance... maybe all three. So you take your time and have a conversation. You allow her to realize that you're not a wolf on the prowl, but a respectable and interesting person. The more she gets to know YOU, honestly and authentically, the more she starts to notice that maybe you're not really a 5 at all... yes... you're definitely an 8.

You're doing better... but don't rush it... she might really like you right away because of some sort of connection you made while talking the first time and you're all of a sudden up to a 10 in her eyes... but chances are it could take a few days or weeks of being friends for her to really take a liking to you. And when she does you'll have changed your 5 into a 10.

A woman's opinion of how physically attractive a man is is highly highly dependent on how much she likes him. So give her a chance to get to know you.

-J. Eliot

numbers, numbers, numbers

Cuddling

What's wrong with men?

It recently came to my attention that my girlfriend REALLY REALLY appreciates the simple fact that while watching a moving or laying in bed I will cuddle her. Yes, cuddle.

So I asked why she was so appreciative. Yes, most girls like to cuddle and be close, but according to her she's never really had a boyfriend who will hold her close the way I do.

I just don't understand this. Sure, some guys don't really like cuddling. I guess they feel it just isn't manly. But come on, do you really care about her? Do you enjoy giving her what she wants and making her happy? It's such a simple thing to do and heck, it could always lead to more than cuddling because she feels loved and secure.

Here's a little article I found on how to cuddle. Now you have no excuses. =)

-J. Eliot

dammit, treat your woman good

Five atypical rules for a first date

There are so many advice columns out there, but lets play with this a little bit and talk about some things you can do on a first date beyond just the regular advice.

1) Get her opinion, but keep her guessing.


A girl needs to know a little bit about what she's getting herself into, and it benefits you to know a little bit about what she's into. So ask. Find out if there's something specific she likes to eat or a certain type of place she likes to go. Don't come at it with open ended questions though. Don't say, "What do you like to eat?" Say, "Do you like Sushi?" Or "Do you prefer playing pool at a bar or watching a show?" She let you know how she feels.

Once you have a few ideas of what she's into come up with the rest of the date but don't fill her in on the details. This adds a little surprise while making her comfortable and looking forward to something she knows she'll already like.

2) Include something in the date she's never done before.

This is important because it shows that being with you will be exciting and new.

Take her some place you know she's never been, and don't just let it be the bar closer to your house. Take her somewhere interesting AND romantic and be creative. Go out on a lake with drinks in a canoe, get on top of a roof and look at the stars, or find a perfect and new place that you can revisit later and make it your own.

Take the opportunity to introduce her to new things as well. Order a glass of wine she's never tasted but you know is excellent or play her some first date appropriate music in your car and tell her something interesting about the band. Give her a hint at the other facets of your life and knowledge.

3) Why drop names when you could introduce her personally?

This is assuming that you've already worked into your life some interesting connections in some sort of scene before going on this date. In one of my previous articles I wrote about improving yourself by getting out and doing fun things. If you've done this enough you now know a few interesting and semi-famous people.

So lets say you're up on the local music scene. While at the show introduce her to the band. Maybe you both love to golf and you're personal friends with the course pro. Introduce her and maybe even sign her up for lessons. Think about your social circles and you're bound to come up with some cool people. You'll appear cool by proxy (regardless of any lack in your own talents.)

4) Play it cool.

Don't be THAT guy. You know who I'm talking about. The one that comes on too strong and appears desperate. He clings to her every word and is obviously way more into her than she's into him.

Stay a bit aloof. Be charming, romantic, and complimentary, but don't emote all over her. Show her that she's important, but not the most important thing in your life. A guy who attaches too quickly looks like he doesn't have enough other things going on. And if ever you want another date it isn't a bad thing for her to think that you're a hot commodity and that she might have some competition. Women find men attractive because other women like them.

5) Don't kiss until the end of the date.

This is another "What?" recommendation, but go with me here.

First, this is your first date. It's not about getting all hot and heavy and looking like you're only interested in her sexually. This should be the date where you figure out how much you enjoy simply spending time together doing fun things. Hold hands, walk arm in arm, and stare into each other's eyes over the dinner table (and don't be that couple that sits side by side in the booth!) Most of all, let her wonder if kissing will happen.

Second, girls like kissing. They can tell a lot about a guy by his kiss, so save it for last. You will know when the time is right and by then she'll be wondering why you haven't tried for a kiss yet and, assuming the date went well, she'll be hoping for one. She'll give you signals, she'll start pulling you closer and lingering in your eyes. This also lessens the threat of having the kiss rejected.

And don't worry, if you've proven yourself the true Gentleman there will be another date, and time for more kisses (and more...), should you want it.

-J. Eliot

striving to be different

It was like watching the Animal Channel...

I gave into the dark side.

I normally try to get out of the office for a quick, cheap, and relatively healthy lunch, but today I just didn't have the internal fortitude to eat my usual 6" turkey sub and diet coke. I found myself turning into the parking lot of a burger chain that I will not name, though you should know it from it's creepy plastic faced, crown wearing mascot.

I happened into the restaurant right at the peek of lunch. I noticed, as the line wound back to the ends of the short wooden barricades, that there was an overabundance of middle-aged males. A variety of men (scruffy blue-collar types, polo wearing desk-jockeys - all at least slightly overweight and homely) waited almost silently in line to order or pick up their food with the one exception of a 20-something brunette in jeans and a tank top.

She wasn't a particularly attractive girl but she was tall and the correct weight, and stood in stark contrast to the unattractive testosterone crowd. And testosterone is right.

As I waited, I noticed how one after the other almost every man in the room would take an extended glance up and down this poor lonely girl's body. At first it was just the graying, long-haired, mustache wearing trucker a few people ahead of her. And then it was the guy at the register who looked like Dwight from the Office. The wait was long enough that pretty much every guy in the room checked out this girl at least once.

She seemed oblivious though. Was she uncomfortable? Did she really not notice? Did these men seriously not realize that they were all doing the same thing? Why was she there alone in the first place?

I felt as if I had walked into the middle of a college Sociology experiment. And then, as I thought about it, it felt more like watching the Animal Channel and a special about what happens when you introduce a female chimp into an all male environment.

I seriously have to wonder if no other man there took an objective view of the situation and decided not to act like every other chimp in the room. It's as if they hadn't seen a semi-attractive woman in weeks.

It is our place as Gentlemen to treat a Lady with respect. Maybe I missed the boat, but what good did it do any of these guys to eye her like she was some sort of object? None took the chance to talk to her, they just gawked and formed rude and selfish mental images in their minds.

It's just a little reminder, but the next time you're out try to take notice of your natural reactions to the women around you. Do you look like one of these chimps? Do you just blend into the crowd of other stupid, desperate, lonely men who'd probably be better off walking on their knuckles, or do you stand up straight with dignity and treat women with respect - even when it comes to the unspoken ways in which we interact?

-J. Eliot

women are people too...

The Qualities of a Gentleman - Part 2

Continued from The Qualities of a Gentleman - Part 1

6) Genuine - A real Gentleman cares, and he shows it. There is a fine line between helping a Lady with her coat because you're trying to manipulate her feelings and because you care. It is the distinction between taking and giving, self interest and selflessness.

A Gentleman acts with all the best intentions in mind, and speaks from the soul about things that really matter with authentic feelings. He's secure enough in himself that he needs no disguise or ruse.

7) Well Put-Together - Let's face it guys, most of us are not Brad Pitt. Women don't necessarily stop to gawk and drool when we walk in the room because of our deep blue eyes, amazing jawline, and perfect hair. Chances are that if your physical genetic makeup was the initial two cards at a game of Texas Hold-em, you'd have folded. You might have a king, but the other card's definitely a four.

So what's a Gentleman to do? Dress it up. Be aware of your body type and what clothes look good on you to other people. Just because you like the color doesn't mean it goes with your skin or hair tones. Get a flattering haircut from someone who knows what they're doing. Shave regularly or maintain good facial hair if you can grow it and wear it well.

Heck, test this out and walk into a store dressed in jeans and an old t-shirt and then go back later in something nice and see how they treat you differently. If you look important, people (and women) will treat you that way.

8) Healthy - I'm going to say it. This is a warning so that you won't read it and then click away. Here it comes...

Diet and Exercise.

Yes. You can't get away from these things. You don't have to look like a musclebound meat-head, but women like muscles and in order to see them you can't have too much fat on your body.

Making sure to eat well and exercise does more than just make you look better. You'll be more confident when you walk in a room. You'll feel better, have more energy, and there's something about forcing yourself do the things you know you should but don't always want to that builds character.

9) Talented and Skilled - Every Gentleman should have at least one solid talent and one major skill.

Whether it be music, dancing (yes, this can be very attractive to the Ladies), juggling, or underwater basket weaving having at least one thing, if not a number of things, that you've put enough time and energy into to achieve a certain above average ability in conveys deeper meaning about your character. It says that you're an interesting person, that you're a little different from a regular Joe, and that you're fun. Your significant other will probably grin to herself when you get to show off your talent because from her perspective she's really showing you off to the other women who can't have you.

Skills are important also. They show that you're a hard worker, that you've been doing something long enough to be employable and maybe even in high demand. That means you're worth something, and there's nothing unattractive about the potential to make a good income.

10) Aware - Be aware. Take notice of other people. Pay attention to social cues. Make mental lists when talking with others (especially women) of the topics they bring up. If someone initiates conversation about something it usually means its important to them.

When you're with a Lady and she talks about other people, remember their names, relations, and the significance in her life. Always treat her mother with respect, kindness, and a little charm, and become friends with her father. Write down key dates if you have to and make a point to notice and value for yourself the very things she does.

Bonus - Be Fun! - Nobody likes someone who's serious all the time. Cultivate your sense of humor. Include it in the list of talents you're working on. Take improv comedy classes, analyze comedians, and hang out with other funny people.

Get out and do fun things. You could hang at the bar with your bros, or you could mountain bike, ski, go dancing (did I already mention this?), just get out and have fun doing things you might not normally.

If everyone around you is boring it's because everyone who's fun is out doing fun things.

You can even use this to double up on some of your other goals. Fun things often include developing talents, exercise, and meeting interesting people (ahem, Ladies).

So get out there and have some fun. Life's for living, isn't it?

-J. Eliot

the ladies love a man who can dance...

Do you prefer women with straight or curly hair?

Here's an interesting article about men's reactions to the same woman with curly hair and straight hair.

Here's a snip:

• The straight profile was viewed 1,606 times for the month, while the curly one received 1,063 views during the month it was posted.
• The flat-ironed look drew 181 e-mails, compared with 60 for the curly profile.
• On the flirtatious side, the stick-straight profile received 120 winks, while curly locks caught winks from 60 men.
• In about 10 percent of the dates, hair made a difference, while confidence was the driving factor in the remainder of the connections.

What do you think? Which do you prefer?



-J. Eliot

is in the majority

Like, Love, and Lust

A solid, long lasting romantic relationship requires a balance of Like, Love, and Lust. Without all three you end up with something else altogether.

Let’s examine what we get with only certain aspects present:

Like – Love & Lust = Your Dog

You really really like your dog. He’s man’s best friend after all. He cheers you up when you’re down, he’s always excited when you come home, he guards the house, and he might even get you the morning paper. You could say you “love” your dog, but let’s be honest. It’s the type of love you reserve for animals, not people. And don’t even bring lust close to this one, weirdo.

Other possibilities: Your extended friend group, that funny guy at work who sends the naughty emails even though he’ll get fired for it one day, your really cool 10^th grade science teacher.

Love – Like & Lust = Your Crazy Uncle

You see Crazy Uncle Larry about once a year. You love the guy, he’s part of your family and if ever he was in actual trouble you’d be there to bail him out (of jail quite possibly.) But let’s face it. You don’t really like the guy much. He smells funny, he’s loud and pushy, he makes the biggest mess at Thanksgiving but never helps clean up. He’s pretty much the one douche-bag you have to love because he’s your uncle.

Others: Maybe your parents, siblings who never grew up and got past the childhood bickering.

Lust – Like & Love = Whores, Ho bags, Hoochies, Street Walkers, Hookers, Women of the Night, Porn Stars, etc.

No other explanation necessary.

Like & Love – Lust = Grandpa Richie Wealthypants

He’s a cool dude, a regular pimp in his day. He’s retired and wealthy and reminds you how stinking loaded he is through the expensive gifts he sends you every birthday. He’s your grandpa after all and it’s his job to spoil the grandkids. He has limitless library of “true life” stories that never cease to entertain you while shocking and embarrassing your parents. He’s the only one who can talk like a sailor at family gatherings and the old coot gets away with it because he’s the wealthy patriarch and everyone wants to stay on his good side. Grandpa freakin’ rules.

Others: Your parents, siblings, children.

Like & Lust – Love = Your Best Friends Girlfriend

Queue the song. She’s a fun girl. Your best friend seems pretty happy and you can understand why. She’s quite attractive and a blast to hang out with. In fact, you’re not even sure how a guy like him managed to attract a girl like that in the first place, let alone hang onto her. You wish she was with you, but its okay. You have to be happy for your friend, right? And he brings her around with him, so you get to hang out with her, so that’s a sort of second best, right? Son of a bitch.

Others: That hot science teacher from 12^th grade, your mutual break-up ex-girlfriend, the really hot intern in billing.

Love & Lust – Like = The Bad Relationship Girlfriend

You swear you love her. You don’t remember though if that feeling of love came before or after you had sex. Maybe it was after… no, you felt that way before the sex, right? Wait. It’s so hard to remember. Well, it doesn’t matter, right? You love her now and that’s all that matters. Why can’t she remember to pick up the jelly from the store. Stupid twat (any Dane Cook fans?.) And what the hell is with her obsession with that stupid band, and that stupid show with those annoying people, and all the nagging. She’s such a bitch.

Others: The ex-bad relationship girlfriend, no wait… you never really did love her.

Like & Love & Lust = The Healthy Relationship Girlfriend

Either you have the balance or you don’t. You like the way she treats you, the way she talks about you to her friends, the way she considers your feelings and balances her life with yours without being smothering. You love having her in your life, you’d do anything to make her smile, and in hard times you sacrifice your own wants to take care of her first. And wow are you attracted to her. Sure, she’s a real world human being, just like everyone else, but when you look at her the world melts away. To you she’s the most beautiful girl in the world and you can’t ever imagine it differently.

The three not only balance but increase each other. The more you like her, the more you’ll love her and the more attracted to her you’ll become. The more attracted the more you’ll like her, the more you love and act in her best interest the happier she’ll be and more fun to be with.

This is, of course, a perfect and idealistic example, and it definitely takes work on the part of both parties, but it isn’t beyond reach with someone you naturally click with – especially when they share the same balance of like, love, and lust toward you.

-J. Eliot

Boy meets Girl, Girl already has Boyfriend...

So what is Boy to do?

Pursue, pursue, pursue.

So here's the scenario. You're a nice guy, a Gentleman, and you meet a really nice girl, a Lady in every regard. She's bright, funny, charming, and attractive in every way.

You'd be perfect together. Your conversation flows effortlessly. There's the right combination of ease and tension that you feel you could discuss the deepest of topics (and probably have) all the while her playful jabs keep you on your toes. She shares just enough similar interests that you never run out of things to talk about, but you're different enough that you both keep introducing new things into each other's worlds. There's even a slight spark, a physical chemistry you try not to notice when you give a friendly hug goodbye. She's your friend after all - and she's taken.

You're a nice guy, so your instinct is to hold back, silently disguising your true interest. Maybe you even convince yourself for whatever reason that she's not really the girl for you. It's not your style to step on another man's toes either. You'd never think to create problems or cause drama.

Here's the deal though. This other guy, he's probably a douche-bag. And even if he isn't a douche-bag he's probably not everything she's looking for.

Woman (and men) tend to maintain relationships well beyond their expiration date. They get comfortable. They don't want to be alone. They convince themselves that they can deal with the negative aspects of a relationship because they'd rather not bother with the uncertainty of moving on. Sometimes they even stop believing that there's someone more compatible out there - and even if there was they'd probably not be interested.

In short, they get stuck with Mr. Not-Quite-Right because Mr. Right doesn't ever seem to come along.

Well guess what. Mr. Right hasn't come by because Mr. Right is a Gentleman. And like you, he doesn't go around hitting on another man's woman.

We need to fix this. Chances are she's not going to leave Mr. Not-Quite-Right until someone else shows up and shows interest. Help her out. Don't let that next guy be another Mr. Not-Quite-Right instead of you.

So what do you do? Be direct. Lay your cards on the table. Let her know she's on your mind. Be a complete Gentleman and don't cross any relational lines that could get you in trouble. Instead drop a comment or two and then gracefully return to normal conversation.

Tell her, confidently and comfortably, that she's quite the catch (a compliment everyone likes) and that if she were single you'd have no hesitation asking her on a date, but of course you couldn't do that while she's with someone else because you're not that kind of guy. The end.

Don't drag it on, don't push, and don't even bring it up again either. Just plant the seed and see if the tree grows.

If she's really your friend and you're a genuinely nice guy she'll take it as a compliment and that's that. If somewhere inside she harbors a certain interest and a dissatisfaction with the guy she's with, she'll think of you. She'll know you're an option should things change.

You can't force anything to happen, and that's not your style anyway. But at least this way she knows a knight in shining armor is waiting, but let her determine if she needs rescue or not first.

Opening Doors

"Who does that?" Her puzzled expression stabbed through my heart.

"Does what?" I responded, sheepishly.

"Who opens the door anymore? What decade are you from?" She twisted the knife. Obviously the date was off to a great start.

"I do." I replied, somehow sucking confidence from the ether. "That's who I am - the kind of guy who opens doors."

She rolled her eyes as she sat down in the car. It was then that I realized some girls don't really want to be treated like a lady.

Upon approaching the car to enter a second time later that night I preemptively stated, "I'm going to open your door, and you're going to make fun of me."

To which she replied, "I already did. I don't have to again."

This was my first date as a newly single, post-married (I prefer that expression) man in eight and a half years. I couldn't quite wrap my mind around a woman not wanting to be treated well, but then it made sense.

Lesson 1-a
Women today are treated so poorly by men that they buy into the harsh reality we (men) invent around them.

They accept that there are no fairy tales, no Prince Charmings, and there never will be. Maybe this is true. I'm no Prince Charming, but I knew also that I was no chauvinist bastard and if she wasn't alright with me treating her well there must be something wrong with her, not me.

Needless to say there was no second date and it wasn't too long after that I met someone who was shocked and thankful for opening her door. This was a different kind of woman. I amended the previous lesson.

Lesson 1-b
Woman today might have all bought into the harsh reality we (men) invent around them, but some haven't stopped hoping for something better - and they will recognize it when they see it.

Gentlemen, we are in luck. Due to the overwhelming amount of douche-bags lowering the base expectations for men it is now easier than ever to catch the eye of the right kind of girl by simply being kind and thoughtful. There are most definitely women out there waiting for a door to open (literally and figuratively.)

So open doors for your female friends. Compliment them on their hair, or outfits - they spend that much time on them on purpose and hope the details will be noticed. Listen and validate their feelings because their feelings are the key to who they are.

I know what you're thinking. "Why would I do that... she's my female friend for a reason. She's just a friend and I want her to stay that way."

Don't be so short sighted. She's your friend. You treat her well and she will talk you up to her other friends. Women notice how well you treat the other women around them and you will garner interest from the new women you meet. You will also develop a habit that will show through all of your interactions with the fairer sex.

All of this will expand your potential for meeting the right girl and grabbing her eye.

So stand out from the crowd. If she's the kind of girl who doesn't like being treated like a lady, she probably won't treat you like much of a man either.

-J. Eliot