Five atypical rules for a first date

There are so many advice columns out there, but lets play with this a little bit and talk about some things you can do on a first date beyond just the regular advice.

1) Get her opinion, but keep her guessing.


A girl needs to know a little bit about what she's getting herself into, and it benefits you to know a little bit about what she's into. So ask. Find out if there's something specific she likes to eat or a certain type of place she likes to go. Don't come at it with open ended questions though. Don't say, "What do you like to eat?" Say, "Do you like Sushi?" Or "Do you prefer playing pool at a bar or watching a show?" She let you know how she feels.

Once you have a few ideas of what she's into come up with the rest of the date but don't fill her in on the details. This adds a little surprise while making her comfortable and looking forward to something she knows she'll already like.

2) Include something in the date she's never done before.

This is important because it shows that being with you will be exciting and new.

Take her some place you know she's never been, and don't just let it be the bar closer to your house. Take her somewhere interesting AND romantic and be creative. Go out on a lake with drinks in a canoe, get on top of a roof and look at the stars, or find a perfect and new place that you can revisit later and make it your own.

Take the opportunity to introduce her to new things as well. Order a glass of wine she's never tasted but you know is excellent or play her some first date appropriate music in your car and tell her something interesting about the band. Give her a hint at the other facets of your life and knowledge.

3) Why drop names when you could introduce her personally?

This is assuming that you've already worked into your life some interesting connections in some sort of scene before going on this date. In one of my previous articles I wrote about improving yourself by getting out and doing fun things. If you've done this enough you now know a few interesting and semi-famous people.

So lets say you're up on the local music scene. While at the show introduce her to the band. Maybe you both love to golf and you're personal friends with the course pro. Introduce her and maybe even sign her up for lessons. Think about your social circles and you're bound to come up with some cool people. You'll appear cool by proxy (regardless of any lack in your own talents.)

4) Play it cool.

Don't be THAT guy. You know who I'm talking about. The one that comes on too strong and appears desperate. He clings to her every word and is obviously way more into her than she's into him.

Stay a bit aloof. Be charming, romantic, and complimentary, but don't emote all over her. Show her that she's important, but not the most important thing in your life. A guy who attaches too quickly looks like he doesn't have enough other things going on. And if ever you want another date it isn't a bad thing for her to think that you're a hot commodity and that she might have some competition. Women find men attractive because other women like them.

5) Don't kiss until the end of the date.

This is another "What?" recommendation, but go with me here.

First, this is your first date. It's not about getting all hot and heavy and looking like you're only interested in her sexually. This should be the date where you figure out how much you enjoy simply spending time together doing fun things. Hold hands, walk arm in arm, and stare into each other's eyes over the dinner table (and don't be that couple that sits side by side in the booth!) Most of all, let her wonder if kissing will happen.

Second, girls like kissing. They can tell a lot about a guy by his kiss, so save it for last. You will know when the time is right and by then she'll be wondering why you haven't tried for a kiss yet and, assuming the date went well, she'll be hoping for one. She'll give you signals, she'll start pulling you closer and lingering in your eyes. This also lessens the threat of having the kiss rejected.

And don't worry, if you've proven yourself the true Gentleman there will be another date, and time for more kisses (and more...), should you want it.

-J. Eliot

striving to be different

A solid list of Rules for what to (and not to) do as a Gentleman

Why write something new when you can just link to someone else?

This list is pretty solid and has some good advice on the ways of the Gentleman. Read it, ingest it, absorb it, live into it. Enjoy.

-J. Eliot

little things add up

The Qualities of a Gentleman - Part 2

Continued from The Qualities of a Gentleman - Part 1

6) Genuine - A real Gentleman cares, and he shows it. There is a fine line between helping a Lady with her coat because you're trying to manipulate her feelings and because you care. It is the distinction between taking and giving, self interest and selflessness.

A Gentleman acts with all the best intentions in mind, and speaks from the soul about things that really matter with authentic feelings. He's secure enough in himself that he needs no disguise or ruse.

7) Well Put-Together - Let's face it guys, most of us are not Brad Pitt. Women don't necessarily stop to gawk and drool when we walk in the room because of our deep blue eyes, amazing jawline, and perfect hair. Chances are that if your physical genetic makeup was the initial two cards at a game of Texas Hold-em, you'd have folded. You might have a king, but the other card's definitely a four.

So what's a Gentleman to do? Dress it up. Be aware of your body type and what clothes look good on you to other people. Just because you like the color doesn't mean it goes with your skin or hair tones. Get a flattering haircut from someone who knows what they're doing. Shave regularly or maintain good facial hair if you can grow it and wear it well.

Heck, test this out and walk into a store dressed in jeans and an old t-shirt and then go back later in something nice and see how they treat you differently. If you look important, people (and women) will treat you that way.

8) Healthy - I'm going to say it. This is a warning so that you won't read it and then click away. Here it comes...

Diet and Exercise.

Yes. You can't get away from these things. You don't have to look like a musclebound meat-head, but women like muscles and in order to see them you can't have too much fat on your body.

Making sure to eat well and exercise does more than just make you look better. You'll be more confident when you walk in a room. You'll feel better, have more energy, and there's something about forcing yourself do the things you know you should but don't always want to that builds character.

9) Talented and Skilled - Every Gentleman should have at least one solid talent and one major skill.

Whether it be music, dancing (yes, this can be very attractive to the Ladies), juggling, or underwater basket weaving having at least one thing, if not a number of things, that you've put enough time and energy into to achieve a certain above average ability in conveys deeper meaning about your character. It says that you're an interesting person, that you're a little different from a regular Joe, and that you're fun. Your significant other will probably grin to herself when you get to show off your talent because from her perspective she's really showing you off to the other women who can't have you.

Skills are important also. They show that you're a hard worker, that you've been doing something long enough to be employable and maybe even in high demand. That means you're worth something, and there's nothing unattractive about the potential to make a good income.

10) Aware - Be aware. Take notice of other people. Pay attention to social cues. Make mental lists when talking with others (especially women) of the topics they bring up. If someone initiates conversation about something it usually means its important to them.

When you're with a Lady and she talks about other people, remember their names, relations, and the significance in her life. Always treat her mother with respect, kindness, and a little charm, and become friends with her father. Write down key dates if you have to and make a point to notice and value for yourself the very things she does.

Bonus - Be Fun! - Nobody likes someone who's serious all the time. Cultivate your sense of humor. Include it in the list of talents you're working on. Take improv comedy classes, analyze comedians, and hang out with other funny people.

Get out and do fun things. You could hang at the bar with your bros, or you could mountain bike, ski, go dancing (did I already mention this?), just get out and have fun doing things you might not normally.

If everyone around you is boring it's because everyone who's fun is out doing fun things.

You can even use this to double up on some of your other goals. Fun things often include developing talents, exercise, and meeting interesting people (ahem, Ladies).

So get out there and have some fun. Life's for living, isn't it?

-J. Eliot

the ladies love a man who can dance...

The Qualities of a Gentleman - Part 1

11 Qualities of a Gentleman - In no particular order:

1) Selflessness - A Gentleman thinks of others before himself. Especially when it comes to significant others, children, or that random hot babe you held the door for at the store. A genuine selflessness is a very rare quality. It may not be obvious to others at first, but women will take notice as they grow to know you.

This, by no means, communicates that you're a pushover. You put the best interests of others first, but when it comes to standing up for yourself...

2) Firmness - ...you stand strong for what you believe in. You act in all things according to what you know to be right and when someone challenges that (whether it be the phone company ripping you off or your sister's creepy boyfriend) you stand firm.

Don't take this too far though. You are not rigid and unbending. You carefully consider the feelings and opinions of those you respect, but when pushed unfairly, you form the solid foundation.

Remember, stable, not constant.

3) Self Control - A Gentleman acts with purpose and plans ahead what actions are within his realm of possibilities.

You drink, but you know when to stop so that you don't get drunk. You escort a Lady home, but you know ahead of time how far you might go if invited in in order to treat her with respect. You know how easy it would be to eat that second plate at dinner, but you turn it down. You could convince yourself that you're too tired to work out after a long day at the office, but you get home and put on your running shoes anyway.

This may not seem like fun, but once you start living up to your own expectations your self esteem and opinion of yourself will skyrocket. Leading ultimately to...

4) Confidence - You know what you're doing. You know what you're good at and what you're not. You make the most of your positive qualities and your talents and are not afraid to admit your faults and work harder to improve.

You do what you say. You believe in yourself regardless of what others might think because deep down you know you've worked hard to become the Gentleman you are. You know you're a good person because you've walked through the fires of self improvement.

People with confidence exude it and confidence is the most attractive quality one could have.

5) Honesty - A Gentleman lives by his word. He does not take advantage of other people. His friends and coworkers know that when he says something he means it.

Honesty builds trust and respect - other attractive qualities. On the flip side, the Gentleman is also guarded and aware that not everyone is as honest as he attempts to be. So he is wary and careful and does not blindly commit his trust in others who show signs of being untrustworthy.

The Qualities of a Gentleman - Part 2

-J. Eliot

do it, you won't

Things to avoid on a first date

Head on over to juvenilecomedy.com for a list of 13 First Date No-Nos.

Overall this is a somewhat obvious, yet comedic view of what not to do on a first date. I agree with the general sentiments and have comments to add to some of these at a later date.

The funniest and most disturbing is probably number 11: Hurting Animals. Definitely a no-no.

On a more serious note, I like the inclusion of number 13: Not Kissing Goodnight. A kiss is necessary at the end of a great date, but there's so much more to it than that.

I'll get into details later. Feel free to discuss in the comments.

-J. Eliot

What are you doing going on a first date with animals anyway?

Opening Doors

"Who does that?" Her puzzled expression stabbed through my heart.

"Does what?" I responded, sheepishly.

"Who opens the door anymore? What decade are you from?" She twisted the knife. Obviously the date was off to a great start.

"I do." I replied, somehow sucking confidence from the ether. "That's who I am - the kind of guy who opens doors."

She rolled her eyes as she sat down in the car. It was then that I realized some girls don't really want to be treated like a lady.

Upon approaching the car to enter a second time later that night I preemptively stated, "I'm going to open your door, and you're going to make fun of me."

To which she replied, "I already did. I don't have to again."

This was my first date as a newly single, post-married (I prefer that expression) man in eight and a half years. I couldn't quite wrap my mind around a woman not wanting to be treated well, but then it made sense.

Lesson 1-a
Women today are treated so poorly by men that they buy into the harsh reality we (men) invent around them.

They accept that there are no fairy tales, no Prince Charmings, and there never will be. Maybe this is true. I'm no Prince Charming, but I knew also that I was no chauvinist bastard and if she wasn't alright with me treating her well there must be something wrong with her, not me.

Needless to say there was no second date and it wasn't too long after that I met someone who was shocked and thankful for opening her door. This was a different kind of woman. I amended the previous lesson.

Lesson 1-b
Woman today might have all bought into the harsh reality we (men) invent around them, but some haven't stopped hoping for something better - and they will recognize it when they see it.

Gentlemen, we are in luck. Due to the overwhelming amount of douche-bags lowering the base expectations for men it is now easier than ever to catch the eye of the right kind of girl by simply being kind and thoughtful. There are most definitely women out there waiting for a door to open (literally and figuratively.)

So open doors for your female friends. Compliment them on their hair, or outfits - they spend that much time on them on purpose and hope the details will be noticed. Listen and validate their feelings because their feelings are the key to who they are.

I know what you're thinking. "Why would I do that... she's my female friend for a reason. She's just a friend and I want her to stay that way."

Don't be so short sighted. She's your friend. You treat her well and she will talk you up to her other friends. Women notice how well you treat the other women around them and you will garner interest from the new women you meet. You will also develop a habit that will show through all of your interactions with the fairer sex.

All of this will expand your potential for meeting the right girl and grabbing her eye.

So stand out from the crowd. If she's the kind of girl who doesn't like being treated like a lady, she probably won't treat you like much of a man either.

-J. Eliot

13 Rules for Gentlemen

13 Rules for Gentlemen:

1. Always hold a door open for a young girl or woman and wait for her to go through first.
2. Help ladies with removing or putting on a sweater or coat.
3. Always seat ladies at the table first, then take your seat.
4. Rise from your seat when a woman enters the room and see that she has a comfortable place to sit.
5. The gentleman always walks on the curbside with a lady.
6. Always carry packages for a lady if you are walking together.
7. If a lady drops something, always stop and help her pick it up.
8. Do not embarass a lady by teasing her in public.
9. Use self-control with your speech.
10. Flee situations that might lead to stumbling into sin.
11. Do not make rude noises or laugh at others who behave inappropriately in public.
12. Remove your hat when you go indoors.
13. God's desire is that you grow into a godly young man. Meditate upon His Word!

I found this online at a homeschooling/pre-schooling website of all places. As good a place as any to start our discussion.