The Qualities of a Gentleman - Part 2

Continued from The Qualities of a Gentleman - Part 1

6) Genuine - A real Gentleman cares, and he shows it. There is a fine line between helping a Lady with her coat because you're trying to manipulate her feelings and because you care. It is the distinction between taking and giving, self interest and selflessness.

A Gentleman acts with all the best intentions in mind, and speaks from the soul about things that really matter with authentic feelings. He's secure enough in himself that he needs no disguise or ruse.

7) Well Put-Together - Let's face it guys, most of us are not Brad Pitt. Women don't necessarily stop to gawk and drool when we walk in the room because of our deep blue eyes, amazing jawline, and perfect hair. Chances are that if your physical genetic makeup was the initial two cards at a game of Texas Hold-em, you'd have folded. You might have a king, but the other card's definitely a four.

So what's a Gentleman to do? Dress it up. Be aware of your body type and what clothes look good on you to other people. Just because you like the color doesn't mean it goes with your skin or hair tones. Get a flattering haircut from someone who knows what they're doing. Shave regularly or maintain good facial hair if you can grow it and wear it well.

Heck, test this out and walk into a store dressed in jeans and an old t-shirt and then go back later in something nice and see how they treat you differently. If you look important, people (and women) will treat you that way.

8) Healthy - I'm going to say it. This is a warning so that you won't read it and then click away. Here it comes...

Diet and Exercise.

Yes. You can't get away from these things. You don't have to look like a musclebound meat-head, but women like muscles and in order to see them you can't have too much fat on your body.

Making sure to eat well and exercise does more than just make you look better. You'll be more confident when you walk in a room. You'll feel better, have more energy, and there's something about forcing yourself do the things you know you should but don't always want to that builds character.

9) Talented and Skilled - Every Gentleman should have at least one solid talent and one major skill.

Whether it be music, dancing (yes, this can be very attractive to the Ladies), juggling, or underwater basket weaving having at least one thing, if not a number of things, that you've put enough time and energy into to achieve a certain above average ability in conveys deeper meaning about your character. It says that you're an interesting person, that you're a little different from a regular Joe, and that you're fun. Your significant other will probably grin to herself when you get to show off your talent because from her perspective she's really showing you off to the other women who can't have you.

Skills are important also. They show that you're a hard worker, that you've been doing something long enough to be employable and maybe even in high demand. That means you're worth something, and there's nothing unattractive about the potential to make a good income.

10) Aware - Be aware. Take notice of other people. Pay attention to social cues. Make mental lists when talking with others (especially women) of the topics they bring up. If someone initiates conversation about something it usually means its important to them.

When you're with a Lady and she talks about other people, remember their names, relations, and the significance in her life. Always treat her mother with respect, kindness, and a little charm, and become friends with her father. Write down key dates if you have to and make a point to notice and value for yourself the very things she does.

Bonus - Be Fun! - Nobody likes someone who's serious all the time. Cultivate your sense of humor. Include it in the list of talents you're working on. Take improv comedy classes, analyze comedians, and hang out with other funny people.

Get out and do fun things. You could hang at the bar with your bros, or you could mountain bike, ski, go dancing (did I already mention this?), just get out and have fun doing things you might not normally.

If everyone around you is boring it's because everyone who's fun is out doing fun things.

You can even use this to double up on some of your other goals. Fun things often include developing talents, exercise, and meeting interesting people (ahem, Ladies).

So get out there and have some fun. Life's for living, isn't it?

-J. Eliot

the ladies love a man who can dance...

Do you prefer women with straight or curly hair?

Here's an interesting article about men's reactions to the same woman with curly hair and straight hair.

Here's a snip:

• The straight profile was viewed 1,606 times for the month, while the curly one received 1,063 views during the month it was posted.
• The flat-ironed look drew 181 e-mails, compared with 60 for the curly profile.
• On the flirtatious side, the stick-straight profile received 120 winks, while curly locks caught winks from 60 men.
• In about 10 percent of the dates, hair made a difference, while confidence was the driving factor in the remainder of the connections.

What do you think? Which do you prefer?



-J. Eliot

is in the majority

Surviving Divorce

Hello all, I'm the other half of the Gentleman's Guide team. I've been caught up in the maelstrom known as real life for the better part of two months. I'm only actually coming up for air before I dive back down, but I thought I'd link to an interesting article that I came across.

Without further ado: Just divorced: how I survived

For the Gentleman fathers out there - Baby Do's and Do Nots

More here.

-J. Eliot

more funny stuff, good times.

A Scientific Explanation for Douchebags

Well, a scientific explanation according to cracked.com for douchebags.

Note to self, don't be a douchebag.

-J. Eliot

...funny stuff.

Like, Love, and Lust

A solid, long lasting romantic relationship requires a balance of Like, Love, and Lust. Without all three you end up with something else altogether.

Let’s examine what we get with only certain aspects present:

Like – Love & Lust = Your Dog

You really really like your dog. He’s man’s best friend after all. He cheers you up when you’re down, he’s always excited when you come home, he guards the house, and he might even get you the morning paper. You could say you “love” your dog, but let’s be honest. It’s the type of love you reserve for animals, not people. And don’t even bring lust close to this one, weirdo.

Other possibilities: Your extended friend group, that funny guy at work who sends the naughty emails even though he’ll get fired for it one day, your really cool 10^th grade science teacher.

Love – Like & Lust = Your Crazy Uncle

You see Crazy Uncle Larry about once a year. You love the guy, he’s part of your family and if ever he was in actual trouble you’d be there to bail him out (of jail quite possibly.) But let’s face it. You don’t really like the guy much. He smells funny, he’s loud and pushy, he makes the biggest mess at Thanksgiving but never helps clean up. He’s pretty much the one douche-bag you have to love because he’s your uncle.

Others: Maybe your parents, siblings who never grew up and got past the childhood bickering.

Lust – Like & Love = Whores, Ho bags, Hoochies, Street Walkers, Hookers, Women of the Night, Porn Stars, etc.

No other explanation necessary.

Like & Love – Lust = Grandpa Richie Wealthypants

He’s a cool dude, a regular pimp in his day. He’s retired and wealthy and reminds you how stinking loaded he is through the expensive gifts he sends you every birthday. He’s your grandpa after all and it’s his job to spoil the grandkids. He has limitless library of “true life” stories that never cease to entertain you while shocking and embarrassing your parents. He’s the only one who can talk like a sailor at family gatherings and the old coot gets away with it because he’s the wealthy patriarch and everyone wants to stay on his good side. Grandpa freakin’ rules.

Others: Your parents, siblings, children.

Like & Lust – Love = Your Best Friends Girlfriend

Queue the song. She’s a fun girl. Your best friend seems pretty happy and you can understand why. She’s quite attractive and a blast to hang out with. In fact, you’re not even sure how a guy like him managed to attract a girl like that in the first place, let alone hang onto her. You wish she was with you, but its okay. You have to be happy for your friend, right? And he brings her around with him, so you get to hang out with her, so that’s a sort of second best, right? Son of a bitch.

Others: That hot science teacher from 12^th grade, your mutual break-up ex-girlfriend, the really hot intern in billing.

Love & Lust – Like = The Bad Relationship Girlfriend

You swear you love her. You don’t remember though if that feeling of love came before or after you had sex. Maybe it was after… no, you felt that way before the sex, right? Wait. It’s so hard to remember. Well, it doesn’t matter, right? You love her now and that’s all that matters. Why can’t she remember to pick up the jelly from the store. Stupid twat (any Dane Cook fans?.) And what the hell is with her obsession with that stupid band, and that stupid show with those annoying people, and all the nagging. She’s such a bitch.

Others: The ex-bad relationship girlfriend, no wait… you never really did love her.

Like & Love & Lust = The Healthy Relationship Girlfriend

Either you have the balance or you don’t. You like the way she treats you, the way she talks about you to her friends, the way she considers your feelings and balances her life with yours without being smothering. You love having her in your life, you’d do anything to make her smile, and in hard times you sacrifice your own wants to take care of her first. And wow are you attracted to her. Sure, she’s a real world human being, just like everyone else, but when you look at her the world melts away. To you she’s the most beautiful girl in the world and you can’t ever imagine it differently.

The three not only balance but increase each other. The more you like her, the more you’ll love her and the more attracted to her you’ll become. The more attracted the more you’ll like her, the more you love and act in her best interest the happier she’ll be and more fun to be with.

This is, of course, a perfect and idealistic example, and it definitely takes work on the part of both parties, but it isn’t beyond reach with someone you naturally click with – especially when they share the same balance of like, love, and lust toward you.

-J. Eliot

The Qualities of a Gentleman - Part 1

11 Qualities of a Gentleman - In no particular order:

1) Selflessness - A Gentleman thinks of others before himself. Especially when it comes to significant others, children, or that random hot babe you held the door for at the store. A genuine selflessness is a very rare quality. It may not be obvious to others at first, but women will take notice as they grow to know you.

This, by no means, communicates that you're a pushover. You put the best interests of others first, but when it comes to standing up for yourself...

2) Firmness - ...you stand strong for what you believe in. You act in all things according to what you know to be right and when someone challenges that (whether it be the phone company ripping you off or your sister's creepy boyfriend) you stand firm.

Don't take this too far though. You are not rigid and unbending. You carefully consider the feelings and opinions of those you respect, but when pushed unfairly, you form the solid foundation.

Remember, stable, not constant.

3) Self Control - A Gentleman acts with purpose and plans ahead what actions are within his realm of possibilities.

You drink, but you know when to stop so that you don't get drunk. You escort a Lady home, but you know ahead of time how far you might go if invited in in order to treat her with respect. You know how easy it would be to eat that second plate at dinner, but you turn it down. You could convince yourself that you're too tired to work out after a long day at the office, but you get home and put on your running shoes anyway.

This may not seem like fun, but once you start living up to your own expectations your self esteem and opinion of yourself will skyrocket. Leading ultimately to...

4) Confidence - You know what you're doing. You know what you're good at and what you're not. You make the most of your positive qualities and your talents and are not afraid to admit your faults and work harder to improve.

You do what you say. You believe in yourself regardless of what others might think because deep down you know you've worked hard to become the Gentleman you are. You know you're a good person because you've walked through the fires of self improvement.

People with confidence exude it and confidence is the most attractive quality one could have.

5) Honesty - A Gentleman lives by his word. He does not take advantage of other people. His friends and coworkers know that when he says something he means it.

Honesty builds trust and respect - other attractive qualities. On the flip side, the Gentleman is also guarded and aware that not everyone is as honest as he attempts to be. So he is wary and careful and does not blindly commit his trust in others who show signs of being untrustworthy.

The Qualities of a Gentleman - Part 2

-J. Eliot

do it, you won't

Something more than Sex?

Askmen.com has an article listing the 10 signs you'll get lucky tonight.

I'm a bit torn about this list. None of these signs are a guarantee you'll get lucky, not to mention that she's the type of girl who'd go that far the first night.

It makes more sense to view it as a list of ways to tell she's into you.

Now, I know what you might be thinking. "Assuming she's the type of girl who'd go that far, and that she's exhibiting most of these signs - I'm sure as hell headed back to her place to get some action."

Let's step back though. There are two things to consider.

1) How many other guys (and/or girls) does she do this with?

2) Is there potential for something more than just a one night stand?

Being honest, it's not always easy to think with the brain in your head rather than the one in your pants, but this could be important. Both of these are serious questions because they pertain to your future happiness beyond your present need.

Let's look at #1. Chances are if she's someone you don't know very well (and even if she is) she's done this before. Probably a number of times. Chances also are that if she's older than college age AND she's been with a number of other men she's carrying some sort of STD, even if she doesn't know it yet.

Guess what, Bub. Nothing's 100% safe and that one night of what will probably be mediocre semi-drunken sex probably isn't worth the risk of catching something that will limit your ability to find another willing partner.

#2 - You know how it is. If you nail her tonight you're moving on afterwards. You probably won't stick around to cuddle until morning, you probably won't hang out the next day, and you'll probably (somewhere subconsciously maybe) view her as an object and with a lower respect than you would have otherwise. Even if you get back together you know you're just looking for another night, not something substantial.

If she has the potential to be someone special to you, treat her that way. I'm not saying don't go home with her, but be a gentleman. Don't push the boundaries beyond a certain point the first night. Stay up all night talking too - you'll be surprised how open and intimate conversations can get after staying up all night and how much respect you'll gain for considering her feelings and the longevity of a possible future relationship.

Then let the relationship develop naturally. If she's the right girl you'll get to the sex eventually, and it'll be more than just sex. It will be amazing and more frequent than it would have otherwise because it'll be based on a real openness - a real feeling of comfort and connection.

This might all sound like idiocy. Maybe it's because you're not a real Gentleman yet. Or maybe you haven't experienced anything like this before. Give it a chance and see what I mean.

-J. Eliot

Toilet for Two?

When you just can't get enough time with your better half...

-J. Eliot

I'm not gay, I'm just aware of how I look...

"So, Jason thinks you're gay."

"What? Why?"

"I don't know. He told me later on that he got the gay vibe when he met you."

"It's probably because I dress nice and work out. Or maybe he's jealous that I'm with you... or maybe he's hoping for something? Or both?"

I'm pretty darn sure I'm not attracted to men, don't have any overtly feminine qualities, and I REALLY REALLY like women, so I wasn't worried about it.

I realized though that most guys just don't take care of themselves. They don't watch what they eat, exercise regularly, or dress in ways complimentary to their body type. And then they wonder why women aren't interested in them.

Guess what, women like men who look good. I know, surprising.

So maybe you won't lose the excess weight right away, but in the mean time while you start changing your eating and exercise habits you can make a very quick change and purchase a few new things to wear. You might be surprised how much of a difference it can make.

Check out the links under "What's your body style" for some good tips on making the most of your body type. The ladies will notice, I promise.

-J. Eliot

Boy meets Girl, Girl already has Boyfriend...

So what is Boy to do?

Pursue, pursue, pursue.

So here's the scenario. You're a nice guy, a Gentleman, and you meet a really nice girl, a Lady in every regard. She's bright, funny, charming, and attractive in every way.

You'd be perfect together. Your conversation flows effortlessly. There's the right combination of ease and tension that you feel you could discuss the deepest of topics (and probably have) all the while her playful jabs keep you on your toes. She shares just enough similar interests that you never run out of things to talk about, but you're different enough that you both keep introducing new things into each other's worlds. There's even a slight spark, a physical chemistry you try not to notice when you give a friendly hug goodbye. She's your friend after all - and she's taken.

You're a nice guy, so your instinct is to hold back, silently disguising your true interest. Maybe you even convince yourself for whatever reason that she's not really the girl for you. It's not your style to step on another man's toes either. You'd never think to create problems or cause drama.

Here's the deal though. This other guy, he's probably a douche-bag. And even if he isn't a douche-bag he's probably not everything she's looking for.

Woman (and men) tend to maintain relationships well beyond their expiration date. They get comfortable. They don't want to be alone. They convince themselves that they can deal with the negative aspects of a relationship because they'd rather not bother with the uncertainty of moving on. Sometimes they even stop believing that there's someone more compatible out there - and even if there was they'd probably not be interested.

In short, they get stuck with Mr. Not-Quite-Right because Mr. Right doesn't ever seem to come along.

Well guess what. Mr. Right hasn't come by because Mr. Right is a Gentleman. And like you, he doesn't go around hitting on another man's woman.

We need to fix this. Chances are she's not going to leave Mr. Not-Quite-Right until someone else shows up and shows interest. Help her out. Don't let that next guy be another Mr. Not-Quite-Right instead of you.

So what do you do? Be direct. Lay your cards on the table. Let her know she's on your mind. Be a complete Gentleman and don't cross any relational lines that could get you in trouble. Instead drop a comment or two and then gracefully return to normal conversation.

Tell her, confidently and comfortably, that she's quite the catch (a compliment everyone likes) and that if she were single you'd have no hesitation asking her on a date, but of course you couldn't do that while she's with someone else because you're not that kind of guy. The end.

Don't drag it on, don't push, and don't even bring it up again either. Just plant the seed and see if the tree grows.

If she's really your friend and you're a genuinely nice guy she'll take it as a compliment and that's that. If somewhere inside she harbors a certain interest and a dissatisfaction with the guy she's with, she'll think of you. She'll know you're an option should things change.

You can't force anything to happen, and that's not your style anyway. But at least this way she knows a knight in shining armor is waiting, but let her determine if she needs rescue or not first.

Here to There

Off Topic - How long does it take to get from Here to There?

-J. Eliot

If you said 7 hours and 51 minutes, you're correct.

Stable vs. Constant

Today my girlfriend commented on a distinction I was previously unaware of - yes, I said it, previously unaware of.

It seems I'm still learning although it is obvious now. There is a keen difference between a woman's opinion of stability, and constancy, in a man.

At first they might seem like the same thing, or connected in a way. And to us men it is hard to view either with a negative connotation, but in the realm of the fairer kind one is a golden ticket while the other can be a deal breaker.

We tend to naturally seek regular patterns in the things we do in order to reduce the amount of decisions and mental work needed in a day. We also tend to shy away from extremes of emotion and therefor make decisions to act as if everything is okay even when it is not. These qualities lead to constancy.

Stability is different. Holding down a good job and taking care of your finances, working toward future goals, and maintaining good health (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual) are aspects of stability.

The stable gentleman when confronted with a tough decision is steady because he is emotionally aware and healthy, not because he is compensating for or downplaying strong emotions - and when it comes to positive emotions, the stable gentleman isn't afraid to let go of constancy in order to act with enthusiasm or excitement.

Constancy isn't always a bad thing, but when it gets in the way of a passionate embrace, or a spur of the moment romantic decision it can ice down a relationship quickly. This even has applications in other realms including business, but I'll let you draw those conclusions.

So in short, seek stability - this is the foundation of the strength she's looking for in her man - and learn to not be so rigid. You might be surprised where you end up.

-J. Eliot

easier said than done

Things to avoid on a first date

Head on over to juvenilecomedy.com for a list of 13 First Date No-Nos.

Overall this is a somewhat obvious, yet comedic view of what not to do on a first date. I agree with the general sentiments and have comments to add to some of these at a later date.

The funniest and most disturbing is probably number 11: Hurting Animals. Definitely a no-no.

On a more serious note, I like the inclusion of number 13: Not Kissing Goodnight. A kiss is necessary at the end of a great date, but there's so much more to it than that.

I'll get into details later. Feel free to discuss in the comments.

-J. Eliot

What are you doing going on a first date with animals anyway?

Opening Doors

"Who does that?" Her puzzled expression stabbed through my heart.

"Does what?" I responded, sheepishly.

"Who opens the door anymore? What decade are you from?" She twisted the knife. Obviously the date was off to a great start.

"I do." I replied, somehow sucking confidence from the ether. "That's who I am - the kind of guy who opens doors."

She rolled her eyes as she sat down in the car. It was then that I realized some girls don't really want to be treated like a lady.

Upon approaching the car to enter a second time later that night I preemptively stated, "I'm going to open your door, and you're going to make fun of me."

To which she replied, "I already did. I don't have to again."

This was my first date as a newly single, post-married (I prefer that expression) man in eight and a half years. I couldn't quite wrap my mind around a woman not wanting to be treated well, but then it made sense.

Lesson 1-a
Women today are treated so poorly by men that they buy into the harsh reality we (men) invent around them.

They accept that there are no fairy tales, no Prince Charmings, and there never will be. Maybe this is true. I'm no Prince Charming, but I knew also that I was no chauvinist bastard and if she wasn't alright with me treating her well there must be something wrong with her, not me.

Needless to say there was no second date and it wasn't too long after that I met someone who was shocked and thankful for opening her door. This was a different kind of woman. I amended the previous lesson.

Lesson 1-b
Woman today might have all bought into the harsh reality we (men) invent around them, but some haven't stopped hoping for something better - and they will recognize it when they see it.

Gentlemen, we are in luck. Due to the overwhelming amount of douche-bags lowering the base expectations for men it is now easier than ever to catch the eye of the right kind of girl by simply being kind and thoughtful. There are most definitely women out there waiting for a door to open (literally and figuratively.)

So open doors for your female friends. Compliment them on their hair, or outfits - they spend that much time on them on purpose and hope the details will be noticed. Listen and validate their feelings because their feelings are the key to who they are.

I know what you're thinking. "Why would I do that... she's my female friend for a reason. She's just a friend and I want her to stay that way."

Don't be so short sighted. She's your friend. You treat her well and she will talk you up to her other friends. Women notice how well you treat the other women around them and you will garner interest from the new women you meet. You will also develop a habit that will show through all of your interactions with the fairer sex.

All of this will expand your potential for meeting the right girl and grabbing her eye.

So stand out from the crowd. If she's the kind of girl who doesn't like being treated like a lady, she probably won't treat you like much of a man either.

-J. Eliot

The Gentleman

There is a disconnect in our society between our perception of men and real people.

Sure, everybody works with the guy who talks about the latest hottie he hooked up with seemingly every weekend, or the bitter middle aged married woman who dreads returning to her husband each night. All men are pigs, right?

We're worthless. We only think of sex, and sports, and how to ditch out on the ol' battle-axe to hit the bars with our buddies.

We have more in common with Peter Griffin than... wait... can you even think of a positive husband/father figure in the media? If we're married then we're selfish bumbling bastards, if single we're always gunning to chalk up another score on our ever-increasing list. We're men - barely more than walking penis', right?

But lets be honest. This is an overly simple estimation of the male gender. There is an antithesis to the testosterone Neanderthal just described.

The Gentleman.

He's gone out of fashion as of late. Often labeled with the weak and emasculating expression "the nice guy," but he is no less of a man - and with the right knowledge and experience he has the potential to become quite potent indeed.

Sometimes he begins his journey unaware of his true strengths, ignorant of the ways of women, and full of good intentions that never quite pan out. Sometimes he masquerades as the Neanderthal, thinking this to be the best path, all the while unaware he's sewing seeds of his own unhappiness.

This blog is a handbook for all men to maximize their potential, to succeed in relationships, and to take on the general betterment of themselves.

Please join us in this journey.

-J. Eliot

13 Rules for Gentlemen

13 Rules for Gentlemen:

1. Always hold a door open for a young girl or woman and wait for her to go through first.
2. Help ladies with removing or putting on a sweater or coat.
3. Always seat ladies at the table first, then take your seat.
4. Rise from your seat when a woman enters the room and see that she has a comfortable place to sit.
5. The gentleman always walks on the curbside with a lady.
6. Always carry packages for a lady if you are walking together.
7. If a lady drops something, always stop and help her pick it up.
8. Do not embarass a lady by teasing her in public.
9. Use self-control with your speech.
10. Flee situations that might lead to stumbling into sin.
11. Do not make rude noises or laugh at others who behave inappropriately in public.
12. Remove your hat when you go indoors.
13. God's desire is that you grow into a godly young man. Meditate upon His Word!

I found this online at a homeschooling/pre-schooling website of all places. As good a place as any to start our discussion.